For Lexophiles

1.   A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2.   A will is a dead giveaway.
3.   Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4.   A backward poet writes inverse.
5.   A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6.   When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7.   The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8.   You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
9.   He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
10. A calendar’s days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and went to the hospital.  When his mother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

About Suzanne

Suzanne Woods Fisher writes bestselling, award winning fiction and non-fiction books about the Old Order Amish for Revell Books. Her interest in the Plain People began with her Old Order German Baptist grandfather, raised in Franklin County, Pennsylvania. Suzanne's app, Amish Wisdom, delivers a daily Amish proverb to your phone or iPad. She writes a bi-monthly column for Christian Post and Cooking & Such magazine. She lives with her family in California and raises puppies for Guide Dogs for the Blind. To Suzanne's way of thinking, you can't take life too seriously when a puppy is running through your house with someone's underwear in its mouth.

Comments

  1. grammy and papi says:

    Good laughs!! Thank you for sharing.

    Have a God Filled Day
    Shirley

  2. wfnren says:

    Love these, lol, I'll have to post some on FB for my friends!

    Wendy
    wrensthoughts.blogspot.com

  3. Gina says:

    My Husband loves this kind of stuff! He will probably use them at Church for opening comments!

  4. Mocha with Linda says:

    Love puns like these!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Love these. Hope you don't mind if I steal some.

  6. LoveMy2Dogs says:

    Oh, these made me giggle! Thanks, I needed that!

  7. Stacey says:

    Very funny! Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

  8. Barbara Shelton says:

    Hi Suzanne, I hope you don't mind, I love these Lexophiles so much I borrowed them for my blog. I published information about you and this blog site and mentioned the contest. Also advertised your radio show on my blog. http://barbjan10-barbjansblogblogspot.blogspot.com/

    I hope I haven't overstepped my respect for you and obeying common courtesy.

    Blessings,
    Barb Shelton
    barbjan10 at tx dot rr dot com

  9. Jean Smith says:

    That was really cute. I have to pass this one on.

  10. mrst72443 says:

    Thanks for the fun stuff! I enjoy reading silly stuff, especially first (or second after BIBLE READING)
    Blessings to you
    JUDI

  11. where’s my post? not writing the whole post out again lol you missed a typo mods